|
My phone has a funny way of reminding me of my past self through curated “memories” videos that it puts together based on a common throughline like a location or people I have several photos with. I deeply enjoy most of them, like looking back to early days of dating my husband or photos from when my nephew was born up until today. However, the videos that bring up the strongest emotions for me tend to be ones from when I was a teenager going through my most awkward phases of clothes, hair styles, and face expressions that seemed cool at the time. I often judge my past self for her insistence on wearing sundresses and cowgirl boots to high school (mind you, I grew up in the Los Angeles suburbs). Her need to have perfectly straight hair despite it looking greasy most of the time. Her confidence in the way she showed up in the world despite it being different than those around her. I question what she was thinking, how I let myself leave the house, and why I made choices that kept me from feeling like I fit in. Choosing to be critical of my past, younger self sometimes sounds like thinking, “My life would have been better if…” or “Maybe I could have been more accepted and had more friends growing up if…”. Do you ever find yourself thinking similarly about a past version of yourself? Almost imagining how life could be better now if you had made different choices, spent time with different people, immersed yourself in different activities? Something I am learning is that those questions negate all that I gleaned in those years that influence who I am today. I would not be able to proudly say I have finally come into my sense of style (at least, for the moment) if I hadn’t started experimenting back then. I also wouldn’t be able to fully appreciate the depth of my current relationships without having had to navigate less healthy relationships in my formative years. In the same way that we can choose to be harsh with ourselves for not doing or knowing better at the time, we can also choose to show grace and compassion to the past versions of ourselves. This may take time and practice, but could you imagine a scenario in which you allowed yourself to be released from seeing yourself through a lens of judgement? I wonder how that could influence the narrative you have been telling yourself about who you are… This brings to mind a phrase I was regularly told early in my training as a therapist: “You do your best with what you have at the time. You can’t blame yourself for not knowing what you know now.” Thinking about this phrase has encouraged me to reflect on what it means to be gracious with past versions of ourselves rather than looking back with regret, shame, rumination, or criticism. As humans, we are on a continuous path of growth and natural evolution in all aspects if we allow ourselves to be influenced by who and what we are surrounded by. How limiting could it become to judge our younger, less wise selves rather than seeing them as an iteration that needed more space and time to be formed into the most authentic version of ourselves we can be. In the photo above, I am looking at a massive waterfall from a bridge taking a short break. This was after traversing up a steep, switchback-heavy part of the trail. I had tripped several times over rocks and roots and found myself being critical of how slow I was going because I did not feel confident in my footing with such uneven terrain. I was literally judging my past self from a few miles previous! However, on the way back down the trail, I was able to remember a few of the trip hazards and even developed a code name for tricky spots by calling out, “Upcoming! Rocks and Roots!” Using the information from a very recent past allowed me to have a much more successful present experience as I was traversing in the opposite direction. Next month, we will look more at what it means to ground ourselves in the present by being informed by information gathered from our past. But for now, let us take some deep breaths and remember to practice being gracious and compassionate with our younger selves who were doing the best they could with the information available at the time. They were learning. And that journey doesn’t stop. Mountain clarity: Nature is perpetually evolving. Every iteration tends to be better than the last as it learns, grows, and becomes stronger to withstand the forces of living in the natural world. It would never make sense to criticise the way in which plants, animals, and all living organisms evolve to survive. Every past version helps inform the next generation so they can continue on as a species. As humans, we follow the exact same path as we learn more about ourselves and others and adjust accordingly over time. If we can observe nature as a miracle and see how it uses information from the past as a tool, could we also implement that respect towards ourselves? Maybe we need to look backwards at times to be able to fully appreciate how far we have come. Journaling prompts for reflection: What are some of the narratives around how you view your past self? Does it tend to err on the side of compassion or criticism? Did you learn that style of self talk from someone in your life? How would your self perception change if you could believe that your past self was doing the best they could with the resources they had available at the time? Could that influence how you see yourself in the present? What are some things you are proud of past versions of yourself for? Were they ever brave? Ever silly in ways you might not allow yourself to be now? Maybe they were more willing to explore or be creative? Do you miss any of those aspects of yourself? What would it take to reconnect with those parts of you? Do you ever find yourself ruminating on the past? What emotions tend to drive those moments of feeling stuck on something from the past even though you know you cannot change it? Is it grief, embarrassment, shame, regret, something else? What is something you can thank the past version(s) of you for? How did they contribute to who you are today in a positive way?
|
