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One of the ways my husband wanted to celebrate his birthday this year was to hike to the top of Mt. Wilson with me. This is an iconic Southern California hike. Every day, people traverse to the various landmarks along the way: First Water, Orchard Camp, and Manzanita Ridge. For us, though, sights were set on making it all the way to the top and back. This hike takes all day, clocks in around 14 miles roundtrip, and consists of 5,000 feet of gain. I was all for the adventure and time spent together, but those stats felt daunting. We both started training weeks in advance, hitting the Stairmaster and inclined treadmill. And of course, lots of stretching. All of that work increased my confidence drastically, but the week leading up to the hike, and especially the night before, my mind started doing what it always does before big events - anxiously anticipate. I began second-guessing everything. Would I be capable? Would I be strong enough? Would I be resilient? Would I be well-fueled? Have I trained enough? Do I know enough to get me through safely? What if I fail and disappoint others, or even worse, myself? What if all of this is too hard and I never should have agreed to it in the first place? I did not get to sleep until midnight and we had a 4:45am alarm to get to the trailhead with enough time to finish the hike before the sun would set. Not ideal. Now, let’s be very real. This hike absolutely kicked my butt. We were on the trail for 11 hours total, including a stop at the top. The views were amazing including a nearby mountain range with snow, but I am having a hard time saying I had fun while on this journey. Hiking down ended up being harder than going up because we were pumping the brakes the entire time, which caused some pain and stiffness I had never experienced before. I was sore for days after. However, just because the hike was as physically hard as I imagined it, I was struck by the way my mind anticipated worst case scenarios and made me question myself. I realized anticipation of failure and not being equipped / strong / resilient / smart enough is something I question often. Do you ever find yourself doing the same? Anticipation is powerful. It can be a tool of hope and excitement for what is to come. It can be a word used to describe waiting for news for something positive, life-changing, or anything in between. It can also be a response to something daunting that fuels anxiety and fear, whether based in fact or fiction. I have noticed that I anticipate more often than I feel confident. This has made me curious why it is easier to think of all the things that could go wrong rather than planning for and looking forward to all the things that could go well. And at what point in my life did my mental emphasis switch? I know I have not always thought this way. Perhaps it was when I became more aware of how poorly life can go at times. What would you think about if I proposed shifting to what if’s in a positive way instead in a negative way? A means of balancing out the scales. And remembering that the more you prepare, the higher likelihood of the event not going off the rails…at least as far as what is in your control. Mt. Wilson was extremely difficult and I cannot in good faith say that it was fun, but it did challenge me to consider my thought patterns and why I diminish myself. I would never question another person’s effort or capacity in the same way I do to myself. Would you? Can you imagine a scenario in which you felt confident going into the unknown because you had prepared and could allow yourself to trust yourself? Maybe, in that state of mind, anticipation could feel more invigorating and less sabotaging. You are so incredibly capable. You can do hard things. And, you are stronger than you think you are. Mountain clarity: In the same way that comparison is the thief of joy, anxious anticipation is the thief of confidence. Get curious about when your mind shifted from feeling excited about the unknown to fearing it. Allow that curiosity to guide you on a path of (re)discovering the parts of you that you can trust. The parts of you that have your best interest in mind. The parts of you that feels courageous in the face of adversity, knowing those hardships will grow and develop the best aspects of who you are. Consider entering 2025 as a year of boldness where feelings of anticipation can feel like forward momentum that propels you to be stretched in ways that increase perseverance, character, and hope*. Journaling prompts for reflection: When was the last time you felt confident in yourself? What gets in the way of confidence for you? What are practical ways to notice and assuage anxious anticipation? Could it be through noticing physical sensations or racing thoughts? Or maybe by naming when you notice self-doubt rising and reminding yourself of truths about who you are? What are some truths about who you are? What makes you more susceptible to believing doubts about yourself? What are activities you could engage in that would encourage confidence building and stretching you out of your comfort zone? Is there any part of you that is anxiously anticipating the holidays / the new year / the rest of your life? If so, who are some people you could reach out to for support to help you stay grounded in confidence or who could encourage you to dig deeper into self-reflection?
*Referencing Romans 5:3-5
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